


Destined for Hellfire

by joeljoelm03 (Misiiio_x)



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Black Female Y/N, Disabled Character, Disabled y/n, Ellie & Joel Bonding (The Last of Us), Ellie and the reader are close, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, No Major Character Death, POV First Person, Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Slow Burn, romantic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:07:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29714175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misiiio_x/pseuds/joeljoelm03
Summary: When you fall in love with a man like Joel, there’s only so much mercy a life plagued with infected will give you.
Relationships: Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Female Character(s), Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love Joel, and wanted to give him a chance at love :,) I hope everyone who reads enjoys!

_**Roughly a month and a half after the events in Pittsburgh. The summer before Ellie and Joel reached Jackson County, Wyoming.** _

In this perilous, post-apocolyptic world I live in, at certain point it’s stupid to feel guilty about your actions. Considering how cut-throat everyone is, who still has time for compassion? Regardless,I still manage to conjure up this large amount of shame because of something out of my control. To suffer from any sort of physical or mental alignment in this life is like putting a countdown over your head for the day you inevitably drop dead. While mental illnesses have managed to recede back into myth, the physical tend to spark some controversy among the living — the dead, not so much.

In my case, the ticking time bomb leading to my death is my essential tremor. The bad sort, which makes even picking up a spoon more of an olympic sport. It also happens to make survival of any sort, a game of chance, every day is a question of will I or won’t I get my neck tendons ripped out of me by an infected. There was a time — too many years ago to count — when I had sparingly kept a bottle of pills, as expected those have run empty.

The guilt comes in when you start thinking about the logistics of things, to list a few it’s: near impossible to defend yourself, shoot a gun, hold a knife etc. I can’t fully do some things but that doesn’t make me incompetent, not a burden or broken cargo like some particular assholes like to word it. There is a limit but no one in this life has an infinite force of power, I just have a handicap.

I’m limited to a measly pocket knife and prayers most days when I’m asked to scavenge for the settlement. I’m forced to lag behind while whoever I’m with that day fights literally to the death for the both of us to not be ripped apart — more times than not there’s a protest from whoever I’m put with.

The settlement I’m currently living in is just East of Wyoming, I’m only passing through but they took me in openly as long as I promised to pull my weight. That day I’d been sent out for food with two of the less friendly men of the community, Waylon and Finn.

Their grievances had been endless, you would’ve thought that the settlement might’ve figured out we were all kind of off putting to each other but they insisted we go. For me anyway, they were both haughty old men who had nothing better to do but complain about everything and me.

“There isn’t a goddamn can of food in this whole place,” Waylon called out into the store, which we’d already searched through from top to bottom.

“Figures, the settlement has rung this whole suburb clean out weeks ago!” Said the other man. “It’s pointless even coming and those bastards know it.”

Finn — the older but shorter of the two men — looked at me from his hunched over position on the floor with a scowl on his face.

“And you missy...just standin’ there watching us do all the work,'' He waggled his finger at me, he wasn’t menacing in the slightest but I turned away and tried to look busy rummaging through the cupboards on the wall. “You ought’ve been thrown out of the community already!”

I rolled my eyes. They’d picked up that idea recently, marching around the camp every breakfast, lunch and dinner trying to rouse the community into kicking me out.

As Waylon was about to join in with Finn’s criticism, a low resounding rumble, literally shook the store we were inside of. The three of us went very still and felt the sound and feeling grow closer and closer, the strong early summer sunlight coming in through the half covered windows was then cut off by the shadow of a huge vehicle.

It hummed in the street like it was waiting for something, a domineering steel tank wielded by people who can only mean trouble.

“There’s a Firefly symbol on the turret.” Waylon said, words caught in his throat in plain fear.

“They are far from their usual post…” Finn's voice wavered and I could see he was trembling from his crouched place on the floor.

I fixated on the FireFly symbol which branded the monstrous vehicle instead of their empty comments. It had been put there with red spray paint — could’ve been blood but I shelved that thought for a time when I wasn’t dangerously close to being found — the sides were adorned with barbed wire and sharpened wood stakes. The front looked sturdy enough that I was sure it could have rammed through the very brick walls of any of the buildings in the area.

The settlement hadn’t made contact with the Fireflys since the very beginning when the world first fell apart, making their appearance in a tiny off the grid suburb disturbing.

The turret on top of the dark khaki tank whirred and began turning very slowly in a circle, the three of us moved knowing it was time we left and slipped out of the back entrance which led into the complex collection of narrow back alleys lined by tall boxy buildings.

Without thinking we took off and ran as quickly as possible, diving over discarded trash cans and boxes. That distinct chilling sound of the tank didn’t follow us but the adrenaline kicked in, my heart pounded painfully against my chest and blinded me from thinking of anything but living.

Suddenly, Waylon stopped running entirely and Finn and I almost toppled into him. The tall brunette hustled the three of us behind the nearest abandoned car and hissed that we needed to be quiet.

We all listened, cicadas buzzed in the air like a murmuring drum roll anticipating, willing something to happen. Our laboured breathing was out of sync, as we huddled ourselves up smaller and smaller as if to make ourselves invisible from harm. My flushed face was reflected in the metallic silver paint of the car — I couldn’t remember the last time an excursion had me looking so disheveled, like I’d been a part of the action.

The sound of heavy footsteps echoed in the alleyways somewhere close growing quickly nearer, Finn’s eyes were filled with panic and desperation for a plan. We all panicked then actually, if the Fireflies had come after us there was no way we’d leave alive.

“Ok, the mall. We can head up there, it’ll only take a day or two and keeps us off these streets,” Waylon's voice was unsure like he didn’t have any confidence it would work but Finn and I latched onto it. Any semblance of a plan was good enough.

The footsteps moments away, the fear switched itself off and the three of us began searching for somewhere to go to and actually have a moment to think. Finn led us to look at the open window opposite where we could hide for the time being, he kept small while he ran over and jumped inside. Waylon went next but as I geared up to go, the footsteps stopped.

The chill that ran down my spine, prickled tears in my eyes, the silence overbearing and hanging in the air like thick black suffocating tar. Whoever was behind me was breathing heavily — just like Waylon, Finn and I had sounded moments ago.

“Move and I’ll put a fucking bullet in your head,” The voice was much closer than I’d thought, the shadows of two people were cast on the ground near me. One of a man, the other of a smaller boy or girl.

Their voice was harsh as they stepped closer, the barrel of the gun was pressed against the crown of my head.

“I’m not looking for trouble, I’m only passing through!”

“Mighty convenient that Fireflies are just round that corner.”

A warm breeze flurried past at this moment, the now male voice had a strong southern lilt, gruff and aggressive. What a day to die, one which so many years ago now the lakes glistened in the sunlight, and you'd smile. Children used to play and people would be happy and content, and right now I was kneeling before my makers and I would die in a dirty decrepit back alley, on one of those beautiful summer days. And I wouldn’t get a funeral, my body would slowly rot and fizzle away to nothing and if I was lucky that would be all. No terror amongst the living as a zombie, just death.

I closed my eyes as whoever was holding the gun cocked it and pressed it firmly. Waylon and Finn were nowhere to be seen, gone with the opportunity. The bastards.

“I swear I was only here scavenging...”

“And why in the hell should we believe you?”

“I promise I’m not, I can prove it to you,” I raised my hands slowly and very gently stood from where I was crouched to face them.

There standing, was a teenage girl who seemed like she was just waiting to shoot, and a tall and built older man who was also similarly pointing his gun directly at me.

I held my hand out and reached the other for my pocket knife.

“This really isn’t the time to be trying anything.” The man raised the gun higher to point directly at my face as he said this.

I nodded and pulled it out in my right hand, keeping eye contact with him as I did so. I held it out and let them watch as the tremor stopped me from holding it properly and eventually slipping out of my hand.

“I have an essential tremor, I can’t even hold a knife let alone a gun. I doubt the Firefly’s would have any use for me,” I looked between them desperately, something about dying in a random back alley to the hands of a couple of strangers just wasn’t very appealing to me.

“They could have sent you to find us on foot,” The man narrowed his eyes but dropped his arm and stepped away to look down the path the two of them had just come running down.

“We need to move Joel, they’re not gonna stop looking for us.”

The girl didn’t wipe the suspicion off her face nor did she lower her gun, the man who I now know to be Joel looked around but must have unknowingly picked one of the more underwhelming alley’s, with little to no places to run let alone hide.

“The mall!” I blurted it out before I could think and both of them turned to look at me at the same time. “Some miles from here there’s a mall, that’s where I was headed before you found me, there’s supplies and essentials,” I pointed back out the way they’d come.

“Why would you take us there?” He stepped forward, giving me a very unforgiving once over.

“If me taking you there proves my innocence I don’t see how there’s a downside,” I turned to look at the window I was supposed to have gone through and looked between the two before walking over and looking into the empty room.

“Through here, let’s get off of the street,” Joel and the girl exchanged looks and followed me.  
Finn and Waylon had picked an old petshop to go into and the site was unnerving, there were hundreds of empty cages lining the room which a long time ago used to have signs of life being normal. Just as I was about to explain everything fully, my eye caught onto a piece of new looking paper near the register, I grabbed it and immediately felt anger rise in me.

It was a note addressed to me in Finn’s unmistakeable messy scrawl.

You were only going to slow us down.  
-F

I cursed and crumpled the sheet in my hands, throwing it to the ground.

“Those idiots fucking left me,” I ran my hands over my face and exhaled. I should’ve known they would’ve found any excuse possible to get rid of me. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they all wanted me gone.”

“Your group?” The girl was standing opposite me now obviously having overheard, her hand still clutching her gun.

“Before I was with two men, Waylon and Finn. They must’ve seen the opportunity and taken it.” I walked around and went to the front door where Joel was standing, peering out into the empty street. “I am or... was part of a little community. I was taking a break there as I'm passing through up to Wyoming.”

I don’t enjoy detailing about myself nor my journey but it seemed this situation warranted honesty.

“Why are the firefly’s looking for you both then?” I asked but Joel looked at me like I had just asked the most invasive question I possibly could.

“I would appreciate it if we could get to where we’re headed with minimal questions,” He grabbed the door handle and opened it, gesturing for me to go through first and lead them. So I did, I stayed a few feet in front of them and ignored whatever muttering the girl was doing.

***

We came to an empty house not far from the main road after a few hours of excruciatingly awkward walking and decided to stay, to get off of the streets and to keep from any potential infected.

“We’re sleeping in shifts,” The girl had turned to me once we were inside with an expression I couldn’t read.

“If we must I don’t see why-”

“Not you, we are.”

“Ellie,” Ellie. So that was her name. His voice warned she should stop, but I couldn't blame her. I was still a stranger who they at one point had held at gunpoint. Them being suspicious made more sense than if they suddenly started trusting me.

She turned and walked up the stairs, leaving me in the overbearing presence of Joel. I sat on the couch and spoke out into the quiet room.

“Is there anything specific you’re looking for when we get to the mall?” I said, not fully expecting an answer.

He peeked over the kitchen counter from where he was looking through the cupboards.

“Maybe just some food, medicine, what everyone on this goddamn earth needs.”

He certainly had some sass.  
“I’m sure you do…” I suddenly felt all too aware of his hard gaze and turned away, piercing like he’s constantly looking straight through you.

“Why did you decide to take us there? Seems mighty inconvenient on your part,” He stood up and brushed off his pants, eyeing the label of whatever imperishable can he’d found.

“Like I said, I was on my way over there and I didn’t want to be found by the Firefly’s as much as you. It’s beneficial for me and you, and also proves I’m not trying to kill you guys,” He raised his eyebrows at that. “I mean it, I don’t even know who you are or what they’d even want with you.”

Joel walked over and sat in one of the armchairs across from the couch I was sat on, leaning forward on his forearms.

“Good, but if I even get a whiff of this being an ambush or some setup...I won’t hesitate to put a bullet right between your eyes,” His voice grated into the murmuring silence of the house.

I shifted uncomfortably in my place.

“It was never my intention to make you guys feel skittish. I just needed to get out of there as soon as I could, just like you.”

“And what could the Firefly’s possibly want with you?” He looked at me, expression condescending and verging on amused.

“What sort of person would I be if I didn’t keep certain things to myself?” I looked at my hands, clamped down in my lap shaking.

“A very stupid one,” He said this as he stood and went up the stairs. Probably to get a plan with Ellie together.

***

Joel never came back down the rest of the evening. I slept fitfully, waking up every so often with the worry of being stabbed in my sleep plaguing my mind, I had just managed to throw all caution to the wind and get a proper hour or two when both their footsteps came down the stairs and they walked into the kitchen.

“I can’t believe she actually fell asleep,” Ellie whispered as if she was being considerate of my half sleep state, which I knew she wasn’t. Just cautious I would over hear, which I was. “What if we had just taken her out while she’s vulnerable?”

“Well, if anything it’s working in her favour,” I recognised his steps growing closer and decided it best to wake up on my own before I was awkwardly shoved or maybe even kicked awake.

“The walk is about half a day from here now, not any significant places to rest so it’ll be best to get there without any stops,” I swung my legs from the couch and rubbed my eyes, Joel hadn’t moved from his place a feet or so away from where I’d been lying down.

I looked up at him, and immediately regretted it. He was built and tough, to have him look down on me like that put me on edge. It wasn’t as if I was tiny or anything, I’m on the taller side but something about his gaze made me feel so incredibly small. I continued.

“The Mall itself is on the bigger side, so on the way I’ll tell you the general layout and areas to be avoided. We only ever took what was needed to avoid greediness,” I brushed past Joel and his annoyingly large frame and went for the front door. “You know, the usual.”

The moment I’d woken up and walked out of the house with them I felt the difference, it wasn’t much but something. If not trust it was caution.

The awkwardness mirrored the day before and soon became unbearable after about an hour, I tried to fill the silence.

“How long have you been travelling with your daughter, Ellie isn’t it?”

Ellie bursted out laughing and I stopped to look at the two suddenly feeling incredibly self conscious. She was trying to hold herself back and he absent mindedly rubbed his hand over his beard.

“She’s not my daughter,” He said firmly, like I shouldn’t have even entertained the idea. I nodded and looked between the two, who now when I actually thought about didn’t look even slightly related.

“Oh I just thought- never mind,” I carried on, ignoring the badly held back giggling and Joel telling her to stop making so much noise.

“I’m sorry but it’s sort of funny, we don’t look anything alike at all!” She had calmed herself down now after a few moments of deep breaths.

“Happens to the best of us,” His voice carried, even if he hadn’t meant for it too and I rolled my eyes.

We carried on along that road for a quite a while, finding nothing but empty rusted cars and a view which could only be appreciated in passing. I didn’t try to speak anymore, focusing instead on the sound of my feet on tarmac and the ones behind me.

“Hey so, can you really not shoot a gun?” Ellie's voice had called out so suddenly that I almost jumped. Joel made a comment of warning but continued walking.

“If you’re talking about my hands then no...I haven’t done a whole lot with them in a long time.”

“So why did the settlement you were in let you go out?”

I honestly couldn’t say if she intended to spite me because she managed to sound so innocent while asking her questions.

“Just because I can’t shoot a gun doesn’t make me completely useless...I can throw food in a bag pretty fine,” I didn’t try to hide the sarcasm in my voice, because frankly it was warranted.

“I was just curious, don’t have to be such a bitch?” She had said so under her breath. I’d still heard her loud and clear which just riled me up evenmore.

“Well maybe you should think about what a proper question is.” I snapped.

“Hey Fuck you, it was only a question,” Her voice had grown and from the sounds of it she’d stopped in her place, I turned around then.

“And an insensitive one, there’s no point in pretending to be sincere.”

Without hesitation Ellie pulled out her gun and pointed it at my face but she didn’t answer.

I looked at her and then to Joel, he didn’t try to stop her so I carried on walking. The two grew silent behind me. I wondered whether I would be looking straight down the barrel of Joel’s gun if I had decided to turn at that exact moment. If they decided to kill me, I would just accept it.

“Let’s go, we’ve already wasted enough time as it is,” Joel said.

The two of them only spoke to themselves after that or more Ellie talked at Joel and he listened. She spoke furtively about anything and everything, I picked up a few names like Bill and Tommy but there wasn’t a lot of context that came with them besides ‘Tommy and his people’ but that could mean a lot of different things.

The road began to feed into an overpass which from the road you could just see the roof of the mall from which by that point was still far off, blocked by a thick tree line green of forest. I pointed towards where it was but didn't say anything. Joel nodded his head without so much of a glance and marched up ahead of me.

From then on the two of them seemed to loosen up a little even if it was only Ellie now lagging a little behind Joel who I was walking next to.

“So you’ve been to this place before?” He asked suddenly. “Tell me the layout of the mall.”

I swallowed my surprise at him talking, standing so close to him, his voice was clear cut.

“Well, the main entrance is barcacded because there are alot of infected in that area but if we go through the back and track around the top we’ll be in the clear,” I raised my hands to demonstrate what I meant.

“Imagine this hand is the front entrance, we can’t go anywhere within fifty metres of this place without getting torn apart, but if we go in from here,” I gestured to moving in from behind and above. “We can drop down into the stores from above without getting noticed because a lot of them are locked up meaning-”

“Meaning the infected will be out there while we’re in the actual shops.”

He finished my sentence and looked as if he was pondering over the plan.

“Well we’ll have to go and take a look but that seems like it will work,” He called Ellie to walk with him and they started to trail a bit behind again.

“What’s stopping the infected from smashing straight through the fucking windows of the shop, they don’t politelty knock on locked doors and wait?” Ellie said to Joel but obviously directed towards me.

“I would know it’s safe, because I’ve done it before.” I tried to just focus on walking but Joel but in as well.

“How many times is that exactly?”

“Once.” I admitted, Joel groaned as I hurriedly tried to make my case. “But it was enough for me to know how to do it again!”

“For god's sake you’ve only done it once, and we’re supposed to just waltz in there like silly little lap dogs and trust what you say?” His voice rose.

“I know how it sounds-“

“Doesn’t matter how it fucking sounds, how are we supposed to know that you aren’t leading us to our deaths?”

The three of us stood in a stalemate on the road, we were in a particularly dense area of forest which surrounded it which meant there was no telling what could be around.

“Let’s just all keep our voices down and talk, alright I know I’m not exactly perfect but I know this plan. I’ve heard the route countless times when the settlement used to designate scavengers.”

“Hearing the plan isn’t doing it,” Ellie said snidely.

“I know but we’re hours away and I actually need what’s in there, it was never about you two I was making my way there anyway. With or without you.”

“You’re pretty confident for someone who’s only ‘thrown food in a bag’!” Ellie said again, her voice rising.

“Excuse me? You guys would’ve been shot to pieces by Firefly’s if I hadn’t suggested we come here.”

Joel was about to say something but he went very still and beckoned me to be quiet. The clicking sound and low overbearing groans calm a second after he’d seen them. Infected.

Without thinking I crouched down behind the car which was angled near me across the road and Joel and Ellie did the same. The sound from the infected escalated to a noise I hadn’t heard in a long time, there was certainly a massive group of them. More than the three of us could handle.

Joel put a calloused finger to his lips to say be quiet and went to stand up, rifle in hand but I grabbed his forearm before he could.

“Let’s cut through the forest.” I whispered.

He crouched back down and leaned in close enough to me so my lips were almost touching the side of his face. He placed one arm on the ground on the other side of me to brace himself as I repeated what I said, my stomach flipped from how he was pressing himself against me.

“How much time will that add to get to the mall?” He said so quickly his own lips brushing very slightly against my skin . They were rough and firm and I hoped he couldn’t hear how loud my heart was beating. Whether it be from the infected or him I couldn’t tell.

“An extra day or so.”

He nodded and the three of us hustled ourselves up the small cliff side which lined the road and into a dense thicket of the forest.

A long while later when we were sure the massive group of infected were nowhere near by, Joel looked around and took a deep breath.

“We shouldn't have spoken so loudly-” He said almost apologetically.

“It’s fine,” I cut in. “You both have very real reasons to be reserved about me, I’m sure.”

Silence fell between the three of us like there was a hanging unsaid question in the air.

“The forest is split by a river and the only bridge is upstream, it’s in a ravine so there’s no way for us to cross but from there…” I carried on trying to change the subject.

“How do you know about it?” He sounded skeptical.

“Well” I said, walking up front to lead them. “Funnily enough the one time I came we used this route but I also knew the road goes directly there.”

“Why didn’t you say anything about it?”

I looked at Joel and almost laughed because he was acting as if they hadn’t threatened me multiple times over the course of their journey.

“Something tells me the direct and open route would’ve been your pick anyway. Would you have followed me into an off the grid forest if I’d suggested it earlier?”

“You have a point.” He quietly snorted.

The sound rang true around us. I wanted to turn to see his face, did his eyes wrinkle up when he smiled? Was his real laugh full and hearty? I had these thoughts for the whole time we walked up until evening.

Ellie started questioning after a while where we were going to sleep and Joel had to break the news that they would be roughing it tonight.

“It’s not that bad Ellie, just use your rucksack as a pillow and close your eyes.”

“What if it rains?”

“You wake up and keep on walking and hope to god the sun dries you off.” His voice was lighter and even I barely managed to not laugh a little at her questions.

“Why don’t we stop here, this clearing is quite secluded?”

The three of us settled into the green grass and prickly bark, Joel set his bag down and then hunkered off into the thick greenery again without a word .

“I don’t know if I trust you.” Ellie said very directly.

“Neither do I, but we both want the same thing. We all need food and we’re clearly both on a journey. I don’t think we should over complicate things.”

Ellie shrugged her shoulders and started picking at the grass beneath her hands.

“I don’t think you’re a bad person...you’re harmless to us anyway.” She said this as if she’d figured me out.

“If my hands account for anything I think I am… All I’ve got is a pocket knife that I can’t even properly use.”

“How have you not died yet?” Ellie said bluntly.

I swallowed thickly.

“Luck.”

She really looked at me, like she was piecing together my life story in her head and trying to see the many stories I could tell of how I ended up where I was.

“There’s no such thing, not anymore.” She stood up and went to go in the same direction as Joel. “You either learn how to survive or you die, and you haven’t died yet.”


	2. Chapter 2

I had been dozing off for god knows how long, letting the warm summer air lull me to sleep when the bushes shook and Joel and Ellie stepped through holding arms full of wood and twigs. 

They both piled them up in the centre of the clearing and Joel sat back when they had been set up properly. 

“We can’t start the fire till dark or else the smoke will tell anyone in a 20 mile radius exactly where we are.” 

Neither me or Ellie said anything but when she looked at me her gaze wasn’t nearly as hostile as it had once been. 

“So, how far out is the ravine?” Joel asked after sitting a little away from Ellie opposite me.

“Well I’d say two hours at most? We can’t go at night as it would be risky to get to the cliff face and not be able to see anything.”

The sky was a burnt orange now and very clearly the three of us were tired from the journey so far. Ellie fell asleep a little while after dark after talking about the hoard of infection earlier, leaving me and Joel awake and alone in each other’s company. He shuffled forward and started setting the fire alight, once he’d gotten it going looking at him over the wavering flame was different to every other way I’d seen him so far.

Joel’s face wasn’t gaunt but no one in a long time had eaten a proper meal so it showed, still his jawline was accentuated by the light of the fire and his hazel eyes were piercing. They were glazed over from the thick smoke, much like mine; Joel tended to focus on a spot in the forest thicket for a while before moving onto the next, keeping very still all the while. His chest rose up and down evenly, his large hands were folded over his stomach and eventually he looked up to the sky at the stars. And it was when he looked back down after me staring in some inexplicable awe that I started feeling different. My hands went clammy and my heart began to thud against my chest because he was so incredibly handsome. So effortlessly handsome that it made me want to run far away, the moment those  _ damned  _ hazel eyes met mine, I knew I was trapped.

I felt equally as jumpy, like if he had said anything at all in that moment I might’ve screamed or closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see what he’d become for me. I could never look at him the same – I knew that at least – and for some reason I  _ knew _ that he was aware of this. 

Screwing my eyes shut, I turned away from him as I lay down. I couldn’t say if he watched me after or if I’d misinterpreted that tiny split second he’d seen the way I’d been staring at him; but in those moments before I fell asleep I at least felt comforted for the first time in over a decade. Silently protected over the crackle of a fire, I didn’t mind not being trusted by either of them because for Joel, his wordless promise to keep watch and protect was enough for me.

I’d slept properly for the first time in weeks, peacefully even. Later on that night, Joel had come over and rather gently placed a hand on my shoulder and shaken me awake. 

“It’s about time we swap over.” He whispered to me, crouched over me again just like he had when the infected had creeped up on us before. 

I had groggily turned my face to look at him and blinked as I recalled my surroundings. His hand didn’t move as I caught up to speed and nodded rubbing a hand over my face. 

“Are you sure?” I said as with their track record I didn’t fully believe he would let me do it.

“Yes.” And with that he let go of my shoulder and sat back down across the now smouldering fire which he coaxed alive again with a few more branches.

The spot where he’d placed his hand had felt warm and my mind couldn’t help from reliving the way it felt, his arm was heavy and strong but he had touched me lightly. The light from the fire wasn’t as bright as before and so after a while Joel and Ellie blinkered just out of sight, leaving me in the darkness with only the slight contours of their bodies. 

I stood only once when it was nearing the end of my shift in the hours before dawn to grab a few more twigs for the fire. In the morning, the sun was peeking over the horizon, the warm rays broke through parts of the trees and cast gorgeous stained glass-like shapes over the ground. 

The forest was more tranquil then it had felt to walk through the day before, a calm stillness which not even a breeze changed. A bird chirped some way off as it’s call echoed around, there was a slight sheen of early morning dew on the leaves which glistened in the light.

Ellie woke up not long after and looked between me and Joel blinking away her tired eyes. 

“Did you sleep at all last night?” Her voice was kind of croaky, it was almost cute. It was the first time she'd sounded and looked like a child since I’d met her. 

“I did. I woke up to keep watch so he could sleep too,” I was uncertain if the familiarity in my voice made any sense, nothing had changed in the hours we’d rested but anything else felt wrong. 

“Ok…” 

She looked confused but didn’t question what I’d said. Ellie leaned over and patted Joe on the arm, he groaned and stretched out after a second and stood up like he’d been awake the entire time. 

“We should head out, no reason for us to take our time.” Joel addressed me instead of Ellie and I nodded, gathering my things hoping that he didn’t notice the flush that rose on my cheeks the moment he’d spoken to me.   
  


***

The walk up to the ravine bridge was quiet but not like any of the silences we’d had over the course of the few days we’d been travelling together. There wasn’t any awkwardness now and I had thought we were all still half asleep and out of ideas to talk about but right before the bridge Joel picked up his pace to stand next to me. 

“It was cold last night wasn’ it?”

“Not anything I haven’t experienced before,” I sounded more coy then I would've liked. 

“You rough it often?” 

“Yes, it’s how it is most of the time for me. I’m able to fall asleep just about anywhere now.” 

“You should be careful, doing that on your own will only lead to trouble…” Joel suggested, almost  _ gently.  _ I couldn’t fully stop myself from looking at him in confusion but shrugged regardless.

“I’m not dead yet.” I said playfully, but Joel’s expression didn’t ease up.

“Still, you gotta have a lot of trust in this world to do that,” He brushed away some foliage from his arms. 

“I don’t, I’m just lucky enough to not have been murdered in my sleep…” 

Ellie burst out into a curt laugh behind us, we both turned to look at her. It was almost relieving that I could tell it wasn’t out of spite like her laughter once had been.

“You have such a weird idea of yourself lady,” She managed to say.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You said something about luck to me yesterday too, not to burst your bubble but luck doesn’t stay on anyone’s side in a world full of infected,” She trudged ahead of Joel and I. 

“Sooner or later you’re gonna have to admit you’re not as useless as you make out!” Ellie called out from ahead. 

“Don’t get too close to that Ravine Ellie, you can’t swim and I don’t feel like jumping in to save you!” Joel shouted.

“No need old man,” Ellie said and Joel couldn’t hide the amusement from his face.

The sound of strong waves of water rushing over rock echoed up from the steep cliffs when we found the clearing where the bridge stood, just like I’d remembered. Thick and tightly coiled wire held it up and the whole thing was just interwoven wire and metal, probably meant to be temporary but just never taken down. 

“You want us to cross that?” Ellie shouted from where she was sitting on a large boulder off to the side.

“How safe is the bridge?” Joel asked me, gently like before. I couldn't wrap my head around his sudden change. 

“Last time I was here it was a little shady...it’s been a while though so we’ll have to see,” I turned and smiled at him then but he’d already been looking directly at me. 

I quickly averted my eyes and went back to checking the safety of the bridge, the anchor poles were still intact and hadn’t seemed to have pulled out of the rock, the wires hadn’t frayed at all either. 

“Looks as decent as before to me,” I looked expectantly at them and Ellie stood up and stepped onto the wire bridge. It wobbled slightly but she didn’t seem to mind and turned around halfway to the both of us. Joel went next, the bridge wobbled and bowed down considerably more from his weight but it didn’t shift an inch.

When Ellie had crossed and Joel was about three quarters through I stepped on, not even a sound emitted from the bride but when I got to around half way the first loud snap rang through the air. 

All three of us froze, and the bridge suddenly veered the right, where the wire had snapped off from the anchor pole. 

“What do I do?” I shouted, my eyes blew wide with the sick idea of falling to my death.

“Ok, just move towards us slowly,” Joel beckoned me towards him with his hand out. 

I took another step and it tilted even more, I barely managed to hold in my horrified whimper.

“That’s it just a few more, don’t look down just look at us,” His voice was extremely calm and he didn’t once look away from me, I tried to ignore how shaky my legs had gone and how much harder they were making the bridge to cross.

I took a few more steps until I was a decent jump away from the ledge, just as I was about to throw myself to safety, the other anchor snapped and the entire bridge swung down into something more like a slap dash ladder. 

I screamed and clung tightly to the reels of wire, my eyes clenched shut, as my entire body seized up. I heard my name a few times through the cloudy terrified haze my head had gone into. Joel continued to call out over and over until I finally replied. 

“I’m-I’m fine but I don’t think I can hold on much longer!” I forced out through gritted teeth, I already couldn’t support my weight. 

“I need you to look up and try and reach for my hand. Can you do that for me?”

I looked up to see him leering over the edge arm extended as much as he could, Joel looked as panicked as I did but the sound of his voice didn’t give it away. 

I heaved and flung my own hand up just an inch, my entire body was shaking. Our fingertips brushed but I had to latch onto the wire again to support my weight. 

“Just like that, you’ve got it. Just a little more,” Joel said, voice as even as before. 

I forced myself to shimmy up higher and higher, but only managed a tiny amount every few seconds, still he continued to calmly encourage and coax my feeble efforts. 

“That’s it now, you’re doing perfect, just keep on looking at me, you’ll be ok!”

I swung my arm out again much higher than before and this time he grabbed my hand firmly and pulled up hard the moment he had. A bead of sweat trickled down from his temple as he found a firm grip on the back of my shirt with his other hand and hauled me over the ledge. 

I rolled over onto my back and just breathed. Gulping in as much air as I could, my hands were shaking much worse than they had ever done before. When I rubbed them over my face, I wanted to burst into tears. 

“God dammit, I thought you said this bridge was safe?!” Joel’s anger was seething, he was sat on the ground, Ellie was pacing nearby.

“I know, I’m sorry. It should’ve been ok…” I held my trembling hands over my face, not wanting to look at either of them. 

“It should’ve been ok,” I said once more, quieter this time more for myself then for them.

“What were we supposed to do if you’d just fallen to your death?” Joel questioned, accusingly and bitter. 

“I don’t know, I’m so sorry,” I sat up and swallowed back the tears which I refused to let fall. “That could’ve been either of you, it was stupid of me to suggest it.”

Ellie stepped forward and offered her hand to help me stand, I took it gratefully. 

“Forget about us,  _ you  _ almost died.” Ellie said pointedly.

“That doesn’t matter, I would’ve never forgiven myself if I brought you all this way only for me to get you both killed.” I made sure to say it firmly, to reassure myself and them.

“You don’t seem to put an awful lot of importance in yourself do you?” Joel barked out, already fixing up his shirt where it had been ruffled while helping me. 

I looked at my hands again. They wouldn’t calm down, the adrenaline of what just happened still pumping through me. 

“Am I that important Joel?” 

He turned away from both me and Ellie. 

“You know I don’t think your survival up till now was skill at all, maybe you were right. That luck of yours seems to be keeping you going just fine.” He stormed into the forest and Ellie looked at the spot he’d left. 

“Let’s go…”

***  
  


An hour or two later, it was mid day and the sun was glaring and stiflingly warm above. The cover of trees did nothing to to help the stuffy air but at least shielded the three of us from direct sunlight. Joel didn’t say anything to me again after the almost disastrous event earlier, his expression was hard and he only muttered a ‘watch your step’ or a ‘careful of the log’ to no one in particular. 

We were coming up to being a few hours away, we’d sort of fallen out of our close knit trio. Ellie had lagged behind, kicking stones and throwing sticks into the green abyss. Joel hadn’t let up his strong pace which bothered me more—he was burning through his energy—he’d never admit to it but I could tell from his slouched arms and sweat soaked shirt. 

God, that alone was enough to throw my mind into a dangerous spiral. His back and muscles  _ clung  _ to his shirt. His forearms swung evenly by his side and I raked my eyes sinfully over the length of him, how he hadn’t felt the intensity of my gaze was beyond me. If he had turned then, just shifted his gaze from the forest floor back to me, he would’ve seen everything I felt on my face. 

My eyes were busy fine turning his details, particularly the longer tufts of hair by his ears when she screamed. Ellie had screamed and my heart jumped into my throat at the chilling sound. And fuck, I’d only met her recently but my blood ran cold at the idea of her getting hurt. 

She was so far out I could only make out she was close by but there was no sight of her. Joel was running by my side in an instant.

“Where’s Ellie?” He insisted, more urgently than I’d ever heard him sound before.

“She’d been so far behind but I didn’t think-” 

Joel without another thought burst forward, I barely managed to keep up with his force and speed. Every so often we’d stray too far off and Ellie would call out again, her voice echoing loudly for anyone in the area to hear.

“We  _ have  _ to find her.” 

Joel repeated twice like an unbroken mantra, the implication behind his words burnt a horrific image in my head of finding her dead or captured. 

“We will.” I spluttered out. I very nearly tripped multiple times but Joel seemed like nothing could even graze a hair on his head. He had a murderous look on his face, whoever we found would not walk away. 

“Joel!” Ellie called, she was so close this time. I whipped my head in every direction willing myself to catch a glimpse of her reddish-brown hair. 

“Get away from me!” 

I looked at Joel. Someone had found her. 

We charged ahead anyway and by a fluke, we stumbled on the clearing where a man was standing grinning up at Ellie who was thrashing about in a net a few metres from the ground. 

“Get away from her,” Joel said immediately. He grew tense and clutched his revolver.

The man latched a finger into the net and swung it back and forth like he was in no danger at all. He used the tip of his knife to nick at something in between his teeth. 

“No, actually I don’t think I will…” his sneer was disgusting. He was skinny and tall, his clothes hanging off of him like he was malnourished and wild. 

“Kill this crazy fucker Joel!” Ellie shouted, but the man shoved the net so it spun and swung precariously to shut her up. 

Joel stepped forward but the man smiled cruelly and tucked away his knife to pull a shotgun from his backpack with one hand, a much bigger gun than anything the three of us had. We must’ve had some tense looks on our faces as the man barked out a short laugh. 

“It’s always the same expression, do I scare you?” 

Joel looked ready to scream because he was not enjoying being in a stand off when Ellie wasn’t by his side. 

“Give her back, and go on your way, we don’t want trouble…” Joel spoke evenly while taking careful steps closer to the man. The man still stood, one arm hooked on the net to which poor Ellie was ruthlessly kicking at but he didn’t seem to care. 

While those two stood in a stalemate, I urgently looked towards Ellie until I caught her attention. I held my own knife up behind my back and tried to make the action of cutting where the man couldn’t see but my shaking hands let the knife fumble and fall with a  _ thunk  _ on the dirt floor. 

“You missy, kick that knife over here.”

Joel scowled at me as I toed it over to the man. 

“Now, how about we have a nice little discussion?” He looked like he was rearing himself up to stand straight and shoot us. 

Ellie however—the smart girl—got my message loud and clear and two handedly brought her sharp blade down on the hand of the man.  “Fucking bitch!” He screamed, clutching his hand now gushing with blood in front of him. Joel took the opportunity and whizzed over to him and brought him into a chokehold. The man tried to claw at Joel’s face, landed a few scratches even but Joel didn’t give him a moment more before twisting and snapping his neck. The loud crack grated against my conscience. Death was death and sometimes it happened to survive.

Joel didn’t give the creep another moment of his attention and was underneath the net himself instructing Ellie to cut the rope and drop down. 

“You have to promise to catch me!” She said light heartedly to Joel _.  _ For an almost tragic situation they were certainly at ease. 

Ellie grinned like it was the most natural thing to do while hacking away at the rope. Like I hadn’t been so focused on Joel that I failed to notice she’d not been walking behind me and like he hadn’t just snapped a man’s neck. 

I looked over at the man’s slumped over body face down in the dirt. Would it be naive to say I’d underestimated Joel? 

Well sure, the man is big and scary looking but that is a lot different to watching someone snap another man’s neck. I’d only ever really seen and experienced the guns blazing, knife fighting stuff. Everything particularly gruesome and  _ hands on  _ was just never my problem, I pushed the sound of the man’s neck being broken in Joel’s hands to the depths of my mind. There would be nightmares for sure. 

Ellie was moments away from being able to drop down when the brush in front of Joel shook and I saw the glinting tip of an arrow poke through. 

Before I’d even managed to call out, it sprang out and slammed straight into Joel. He made a strangled noise on impact and crumpled onto the ground on his knees, Ellie was screaming and squirming her way out just as a greasy long haired man stepped out of the thicket, bow and arrow ready to shoot. 

I rushed forward and stood before Joel. Forgetting everything she’d said about needing to be catched, Ellie jumped down and I all but shoved her behind me too, I had no idea what I was doing. The man crept forward until we were a few metres away from each other. 

“That was for Elijah,” He growled, his friend's dead body on the floor by his feet. “Drop the bags and weapons or I’ll leave you all with an arrow in your skull.” He shouted at me but I stood my ground. 

“How about you just turn around and go the way you came?” I spat out, Joel was grunting on the ground. I didn’t have time for a face off, he needed medical help immediately. 

“That’s not how this works, missy, you killed my friend so I have it on good authority I’ll kill one of yours too,” He poised the arrow but I stepped forward, blocking Joel from his path. 

“You fucker, I’ll kill you,” Ellie was next to me, brandishing her own knife, it was a relief but I also didn’t need her getting hurt. 

“Just do as I say ladies.” 

“Like we’d listen to you,” I said, as I circled him round until we were further away from Joel, behind him was a rock he hadn’t noticed if I could just — 

“Eat shit!” Ellie’s voice rang out, she hurled her knife impressively at him and it grazed his face. He curled over in pain so I took the chance to run full speed and slam myself into him so he’d stumble backwards and fall.

The man managed to mostly evade me, and threw his bow down, catching me in his arms. He threw me easily to the floor and wrestled with me a bit until he managed to pin me down with a firm lock on my neck. It happened so quickly. I scrambled at his face and kicked but he was so fucking  _ strong,  _ and he was already squeezing the air out of me. 

Ellie called out, making him turn his head and loosen his grip just enough for me to rip myself from his grasps. I crawled forward while Ellie tried to jump him but he punched her, sending her flying in a heap. 

I looked over to see my knife, on the other side of the clearing. The man latched a hand over my ankle and pulled me back towards him, I put up more of a fight. Clawing at his eyes and face but he eventually managed to grab my wrists and pin them above me. I thrashed then—

_ Bang. _ A gunshot ran through the air, the man’s body slumped, eyes bulged and I felt the heat of the warm blood pool onto my body. 

I shimmed out from under the weight of the man but I couldn’t catch my breath, I felt nauseous and stayed on my hands and knees so I wouldn’t start retching. If Joel hadn’t gathered enough strength to shoot him, he would’ve— 

I burst into a tearless sob, feeling such terror and panic rip through my stomach. Heaving and gulping in air, I pressed my face into the crook of my elbow. My dreams would not be easy. 

Ellie groaned and I looked over through bleary eyes to see her sitting up and cupping the side of her face. 

“The motherfucker punched me!” 

I took a few more deep breaths to calm the beating of my heart and quell the nausea in my stomach. 

“You ok Joel?” I called out, my voice weak and feeble. 

“They were idiots,” Joel said roughly. “And that fucker had bad aim.” 

I stood up on wobbly knees and crouched next to Joel. I gulped in more air as I looked at the wound on his shoulder, the tears were still falling but I wiped them away, focusing on him. 

I winced at the wound on his shoulder, blood was soaking through his shirt but it seemed like the arrow was doing a good job of blocking the wound. 

“Ok well, let’s keep this in for now so we can figure out—”

Joel pulled it out without any warning cutting off my train of thought. I gasped and pressed my hands against it as he tossed the arrow aside and went to stand up with a groan. 

“Joel why would you just pull it out!” I shrieked, he swayed on his feet and Ellie was over in a second, parking herself underneath his other arm to keep him upright. 

“Because, how am I supposed to get through this godforsaken forest with something like that in me?” He unslung one arm of his bag and I took it off him completely, with a frown.

“I’ve been through worse.” He grunted.

“Do we have a medkit, I’ll take a look at it?” 

He shook his head in protest.

“Let’s just get out of here first, we don’t know how many of them are out here,” He swayed again and this time I grabbed him and wrapped my arm around his waist.

“No, sit down.” I said firmly, though I felt nothing but fragile while holding his body in place even though he tried to step forward. 

“Joel just let her take a look,” Ellie pleaded, and he hunkered back down onto the ground with a grunt.

I sat next to him and tried to painlessly peel the shirt from his arm, I avoided thinking about the few extra moments I took to follow the curve of his chest underneath his black crew neck and the swell of muscles on his arms, the thick dark hair which covered the outermost skin of them. 

Rolling the short sleeve up to his shoulder the wound was gushing blood, a deep gash just by his shoulder blade. 

“Ellie pull out some gauze.”

She handed it to me, and I tentatively pressed Joel to lay on the ground. He was staring at me, regardless of my tear stained cheeks and the uneasy look on my face while I grimaced at the area of mangled red flesh. 

I pressed the gauze to it to soak up the blood. Looking between him and the wound to make sure I wasn’t hurting him more than I should.

“Any disinfectant in there?” I said, somehow unable to look away from Joel’s soft eyes. I ignored the thought of how much trust he would have to have in me at this moment, to allow me to care for him. 

Ellie, passed me a bottle and I unscrewed it taking a moment to breathe. My hands shook as I held it over the open wound. 

“Deep breath Joel, this is going to sting.” 

He nodded and I poured it. Joel closed his eyes and screwed his face up, biting the inside of his cheek. I almost went to brush a hand over his stomach, to soothe him, but stopped myself. 

“Ok I’m going to close the wound now…” 

Ellie made no protest but I knew what she was thinking. And suddenly every ounce of confidence I had to help him escaped me, there was no way I could properly close the wound was there? 

“Joel I don’t–” 

Almost like he’d read our minds he grabbed my hand with the non injured arm and held it. His hand enveloped mine, his thick fingers holding tightly.

“Close the wound. You’ll do just fine,” His words weren’t strained, so certain and strong that I found myself nodding. 

Ellie handed me a needle and I shifted so I was closer to him, kneeling. He let go of my hand and kept his good arm clenched at his side. 

“Ok, this will be over quickly, I promise.” 

This wasn’t supposed to be pretty, it just needed to be closed up, I told myself. 

The first push of the needle through his flesh made my lip tremble, I needed to keep myself together but somehow I found myself wanting to cry again. Joel was very obviously in pain with every stitch.

_ It doesn’t need to be pretty, just do it right.  _ I repeated in my head.

Joel kept a tight lip on himself, allowing any particularly pained groans to be swallowed up by a well timed exhale. I worked as fast as possible but multiple times found the needle slipping out of my fingers with a curse and falling, luckily the string caught it before it hit the ground but every time those brief moments were enough for me to lock eyes with Joel in an apology for prolonging his agony.

Finally, as I closed up the last stitch—having taken much longer than the job should’ve—the three of us seemed to let out the breath we’d been holding. The job I’d done was solid but would leave a horrific scar, if the state of Joel’s arms said anything though, he wouldn’t mind . 

“I think it should be ok, I haven’t done that in years.” I forced through the dryness of my throat. My tongue hurt from how hard I’d been biting it in concentration. 

“We don’t have any antibiotics…” Ellie said solemnly, “Neither any Tylenol.” Meaning Joel would be forced to bear with the pain until we could get our hands on some. 

He sat up with a groan, Ellie and I grabbed a hold of him and didn’t let go even after I’d helped him stand again, careful to avoid his shoulder. 

“We should get to that mall,” Joel’s voice shook through him, like the pain had finally started getting to him. 

“Alright you two, the bastard didn’t get my legs, I can walk fine on my own!” He shrugged us off but Ellie and I both must’ve looked unconvinced so he picked up his red plaid button up and held it out to me.

“Little help?” Joel asked like a sarcastic command more than it was a question...or maybe I just convinced myself it sounded like that because I tended to obey his every word. 

“I’m gonna go see what’s down the cliff!” Ellie called out already walking away, leaving me alone with the man and his smothering presence. Her disappearance felt eerily on cue. 

I walked up to him and immediately regretted not standing behind him to tie a sling. To tie the damn thing meant I would be crowded into his space and dangerously level with him. The moment I stepped close,  _ too  _ close to his body I felt the most horrendous blush creep up my neck, face and ears. It’s not as if he’d be able to tell because of my deep russet brown skin but my expression was certainly painting every picture he needed to know. 

I could never look him in the eyes like this, so I focused on fastening a knot by his neck. Careful not to even brush skin with him, I wrapped one hand around his torso and the other over the crook of his neck. Fuck, had he always been this  _ wide,  _ tall and just mortifyingly sexy—was I even allowed to think that considering we’d both almost died?

“No need to coddle me, I won’t just up and break apart in your arms,” Joel mused, his breath rushing past the hair by my temple. “I’m made of tougher things... promise.”

Well and truly, I was fucked if he kept up that godforsaken deep southern  _ everything  _ that made me weak in the knees. I could only pray he didn’t notice the inhale I took the moment he spoke, the way I filed away his words to fawn over in my head whenever I had a later chance. 

The size of him meant I couldn’t quite reach around him. “Could you just–”

Joel bent his head to the side so I had better access but those  _ damned  _ eyes of his were boring into me. If either of us were to move, our lips would be touching skin they were not supposed to. 

“Maybe—” He pressed an open palm gently to the small of my back and pulled me closer, closing the distance I’d tried to keep from him. “You should stand here...should help you tie it.”

I found myself gulping thickly and nodding along to his words again, focusing all my energy on my fingers which were failing miserably at tying the knot. An electric feeling buzzed up my spine from the touch of his fingers.

“Sorry.” I said, my voice airy and without any weight. 

I desperately wanted to lean back into the featherlight hand on my back. To push into it so he might then pull me in a crushing hug, something that would sweep me off my feet. If the large and warm feel of his hands meant anything, they made a twinge of something particularly devious fall into my gut. God, what I would do to have them— 

I shoved that thought down, panicked, as if he could read where my mind had wandered. I finished the knot and tugged it a little harder than I should’ve. 

I jerked his good shoulder and simultaneously tugged him even  _ closer.  _ Hand still on my back, I made no effort to hide the way my eyes zoned on his lips which were a hair's width away from my own. Against every screaming thought in my head telling me not to, I locked eyes with him. And right then, over every fluffy feeling, dread coursed through me because I knew he’d figured me out. 

I thought of that moment, the day before when the hoard of infected had almost crept up on us and Joel had been leering over me. However this,  _ this _ was different. The tension was real now, I was sure and it was tangible and god was it intoxicating. My hands slipped down very easily to press against his chest, I could very well shove him away–or kiss him. The latter was more tempting.

“Joel, come check this out!” 

Ellie’s voice broke whatever spell I’d been lured into but Joel didn't step away. I went to pry myself out of his hold but he kept me in place. Leaning in just a small distance, his lips were close to my ear and his voice a whisper. 

“Thank you.” 

As quickly as he had been in my space he was gone and marching down the path Ellie had taken. And  _ fuck, _ If I was surely damned before, I was definitely destined for hellfire now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won’t lie this fic has incredibly minimal editing, I hate proof reading more than once or twice...if there’s any huge problems, just let me know. Hope everyone who reads enjoys <3


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